“I have been free from the torment in my mind for more than forty years”

Before I was five, I experienced three separations from both parents. I arrived prematurely in the early 1950’s. Not considered strong enough to go home with my mother, I remained in hospital care until I was deemed ready. Back then it was common practice for mothers of prem babies to leave without their new-borns.

I wasn’t yet three when another separation occurred. This time for nearly a year. Mum had tuberculosis and Dad needed to work. I bonded well with my Aunty and have fond memories living with her.

The final separation came when I was nearly five. Mum was expecting another baby. Her health was being closely monitored because of her brush with TB. We had nearly lost her. The doctor wanted Mum to rest up before my sibling’s birth, so I was placed in a Children’s home. I don’t have happy memories of my time there. Everything seemed foreign and distant.

It was exciting to return home, start school and meet a new sibling. However, my relationship with my Mother was difficult. I had bonded with my Aunty. It was just something that happened. Although my Mother and I loved each other, I struggled to feel relaxed around a woman who could become quite volatile. I was afraid of my own Mother and walked on egg shells around her.

In my mid-teens, I had a crush on one of my female teachers. I looked forward to her classes and loved interaction with her. This lady was constantly in my thoughts. I worked hard to achieve well in her classes and sought to impress her.

Happily married some years later, I had just given birth to my second child. While in the maternity ward, I became aware of similar feelings towards one of the staff as I had known toward my teacher. I loved the moments when she spoke to me. She was gentle and kind and I was attracted to her motherly interest in me. Although my thoughts didn’t go in a sexual direction, I imagined having quality time with her. Even when I came home with my second child, my thoughts were constantly toward her.

Things came to a head for me when I realised my thought life reflected a life of double standards. I had gotten in much deeper this time toward a motherly type in the church my husband and I attended. My Christian convictions, a growing knowledge of God’s Word and his standards, led me to start opening to my husband. His patient responses encouraged me to seek help. I was desperate!

I couldn’t get the thoughts of number three lady out of my head. Again, the thoughts weren’t sexual but of imagined quality time with her. I realised that as a married woman I pined for a mother’s love which seemed to have been denied me. The ache in my heart was painful and real. I felt alone – a real odd bod.

I decided to visit a Christian bookstore and found a book which gave me a new perspective. I had never heard of Sy Rogers. His book brought understanding and comfort. Sy’s story shed light on my own and at last I began to understand myself. His story showed me the steps I needed to take. If he could be set free from his lifestyle then so could I.

The process to freedom wasn’t easy. It took time to undo wrong habits. It involved confessing my wrongs to the lady in my church. She heard my story and understood my struggles. Her support helped and affirmed me. She forgave me and I began to experience a growing freedom in this area of my life.

I have been free from the torment in my mind for more than forty years. I live a happy fulfilled life with the same husband who has faithfully stood by me. My female relationships are without the problems I had years ago. I know I am loved and accepted by them.  I no longer have a tear in my heart. Somehow God’s love has touched me deeply and met a personal need.

There is hope and change for people who want to re-direct their lifestyle. People may feel stuck in a same sex relationship and want out. To deny people the opportunity to change their habits is to keep them in a place of torment. There are answers out there. Many folks are willing to help others be set free. Choice is a precious gift that should never be denied. Why hide or prevent another alternative from one seeking a way out?

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